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Pagi ini kulihat mentari begitu terangnya, cahayanya nampak putih bersinar, mentari itu entah sudah berapa ribu tahun bahkan mungkin sudah berapa juta tahun yang lalu tidak pernah bosan dan tidak pernah berubah sampai saat ini, yang tanpa pamrih terus keluar meski kadang sebagian manusia ada banyak yang tak ramah padanya dan mencelanya, entah karena situasi macet ataupun karena dapat mencairkan batu es.
Di sinar mentari itupun seakan-akan aku melihat orang yang aku cintai sedang menyapaku pagi ini dengan senyuman indahnya yang membuatku merasakan nyaman dan bersemangat menjalani hidup ini, aku sangat bahagia, ya aku dan dia telah megucapkan janji suci dalam ikatan pernikahan, walaupun hanya dalam mimpi tadi malam, aku berharap kekasihku mencintaiku seperti mentari itu, tentu saja yang tidak pernah berubah untuk mencintaiku walaupun dalam situasi yang sesulit apapun mendung sekalipun.
Sering aku melihat handphone-ku, berharap ada Whatsapp darimu, notifikasi handphone hari ini membuatku sedih, betapa tidak, dari sekian banyak notifikasi yang berbunyi, tidak ada satupun pesan yang membuatku tenang hari ini, biasanya di pagi hari tepatnya sesaat sebelum shubuh dia menelponku untuk memastikan aku sudah bangun agar aku bisa menjalankan ibadah shubuh dengan tepat waktu.
Di sudut ruang tamu kudapati ibuku yang sedang duduk termenung entah apa yang ia pikirkan. Seribu tanda tanya membuat hatiku resah dan gelisah, jangan-jangan ibu memikirkanku yang mulai beranjak dewasa ini, tidak seperti biasa ibuku termenung seperti itu, seperti menanggung beban yang tak pernah terjawab, karena ibuku sering menanggung semua beban itu sendirian, tanpa bercerita terhadap anaknya maupun suaminya, aku pun terus merasa penasaran apa yang membuat ibuku termenung.
Suasana begitu hening, seperti tak ada suara dimana-mana, detik jam dinding yang letaknya lumayan jauh masih terdengar sampai ruang tamu, bahkan suara detak jantungpun begitu jelas terdengar.
“ Bu, ibu lagi kenapa ?” tanyaku.
Tidak seperti biasa ibu termenung seperti itu. Sedang banyak pikirankah ??
Lama ibu nggak merespon pertanyaanku. Rupanya ibuku semakin terjaga dari lamunannya yang murung itu, Akupun semakin bingung harus bagaimana, apa yang harus aku lakukan saat ini, ibu seperti tak mendengarku dan mungkin seperti menganggapku tidak berada disitu. Akupun memutuskan untuk pergi kembali ke kamarku.
“ Nak, duduk sebentar! ada yang mau ibu tanyakan sama kamu.!!!”
” Ibu mau tanya apa ???” Jawabku.
“Ibu cuma mau tanya, itu pemuda yang kemarin datang ke sini siapanya kamu?? Ibu harap kamu jawab jujur, Nak ??”
Akupun kaget mendengar pertanyaan ibu. Aku bingung harus menjawab apa. Akhirnya aku pun terus terang kepada ibu bahwa pemuda yang datang kemarin adalah teman dekatku.
“ Dia Rey Bu ……”
”Kamu sudah lama kenal sama dia?? kenal dimana? Teman kuliah kamu apa ?? tanya ibuku semakin penasaran.”
Aku tanggapi pertanyaan ibu dengan santai,” Aku kenal Rey sudah lumayan lama bu, dia baik orangnya pekerja keras. Aku nyaman dekat dengannya. Dia bukan teman kuliahku, tapi aku kenal dia karena Ika, teman SD ku. Dia komitmen menjalin hubungan serius denganku, bu.”
Kulihat ibu menghela napas panjang, lalu berkata, “ Nak, mbok kalau mau cari yang seriusan itu yang sudah mapan, sudah jelas masa depannya. Ibu ingin kamu bahagia, tidak salah pilih orang. Ibu lihat pemuda itu masih belum jelas masa depannya.”
Mendengar kata-kata itu, hatiku rasanya terasa begitu sakit, langit yang cerah terasa tiba-tiba menjadi mendung, gelap berkelabu dan sinar mentari yang bersinar terang terasa meredup sinarnya, kata-kata ibu itu serasa menampar telak hatiku yang sudah sangat mengharapkan dia untuk menjadi bagian hidupku kelak. Namun apalah daya ku, aku hanya bisa terdiam mendengar kata-kata itu dan mulai menangis dalam hati. sebenarnya aku tidak ingin menangis, akan tetapi rasa sakit saat itu hanya bisa dikurangi dengan tetesan air mata, akupun tak bisa menahan air mata ini, hingga akhirnya aku putuskan untuk berlari menuju kamar tanpa mempedulikan ibuku.
Kukunci pintu kamar, lalu kurebahkan badanku di atas kasur. Aku menangis terisak-isak mengingat kata-kata ibuku dan saat itu juga aku ingat si Rey, beribu timbunan kenangan yang sudah kita lewati bersama tentu jangan sampai menjadi kenangan yang sesungguhnya, akan tetapi kenangan yang bisa diceritakan dalam perjalanan hidupku, entah akan aku ceritakan kepada anak cucuku kelak, entah kepada teman-temanku, atau bahkan dalam sebuah cerpen kisah nyata perjalanan cintaku dengan Rey yang berakhir dengan kebahagiaan, yang diawali dengan perjuangan dan saling mendo’akan sebagai kekuatan mewujudkan cita-cita hidup bersama.
Dia adalah orang yang sangat aku cintai karena sudah saling mengerti dan paham masing-masing, kami juga sudah membangun komitmen untuk menjadi sepasang kekasih mengarungi lautan kehidupan dengan bahterai rumah tangga yang dijalani bersama, alangkah sedihnya jika itu harus pupus di tengah usahanya untuk membahagiakanku.
Ingin rasanya kutelepon si Nay, teman curhatku selama ini. Ingin kuceritakan semuanya padanya, keluh kesahku, kesedihanku bahkan rasa sakit hatiku saat ini. Namun aku tahu dia sekarang sedang mengalami masalah juga pada keluarganya, aku tidak ingin membebani dia dengan keluh kesahku.
Akhirnya aku pun menuangkan semua yang ingin kucurhatkan pada lembaran-lembaran kertas, pada lembaran-lembaran kertas inilah semua yang menyumbat, mengganjel dan memuakkan aku tuangkan semuanya. Kertas inilah satu-satunya yang masih bisa menemaniku saat ini, entah sudah berapa kertas yang aku corat-caret dengan tinta berisi suasana hatiku dan kurasa hanya dia yang mengerti perasaanku saat ini. Aku berharap kertas ini sedikit mengurangi rasa sakitku saat ini, Aku merasa sendiri, merasa sepi, aku serasa terjepit keadaan, aku merasa tidak ada yang bisa menghiburku saat ini.
Ada sebuah benturan perasaan di sini, terjebak dalam keadaan yang begitu sulit antara pilihan, mengikuti kemauanku atau mengikhlaskan dia yang belum mapan, aku yakin pasti ada jalan yang bisa ditempuh, ada jalan keluar sebagai jawaban akhir dari semua ini.
Aku tak tahu harus bagaimana menghadapi perasaan ini, perasaan yang ingin pergi namun tak tahu harus pergi kemana. Aku yang tak bisa tergoyahkan dengan keyakinanku. Entah rintangan apalagi yang harus aku lalui bersama Rey. Di saat orang-orang terdekatku tidak yakin dengan pilihanku, di saat orang lain meragukan pilihanku, bahkan orangtuaku sendiri tidak yakin dengan pilihanku, aku akan tetap mempertahankan keyakinan itu, sebuah keyakinan yang terus tumbuh karena sebuah alasan.
Alasan yang menurutku logis, tentang sebuah kenyamanan yang bisa membuat semuanya bisa berubah, kenyamanan yang aku dambakan agar aku bisa hidup bahagia bersamanya, bukan hanya sekedar berbicara soal materi, karena materi bisa dicari bersama-sama.
Kemapanan, kemapanan atau ekonomi inilah yang saat ini menjadi sebuah hantu atau momok yang dapat membunuh karakter seorang laki-laki untuk berani menyatakan perasaan kepada orang tua wanita yang dicintainya. Kadang laki-laki mencari seoranng wanita yang mau diajak susah dalam menjalani kehidupan, tapi yang pasti laki-laki hanya menawarkan seperti itu karena tak ingin wanitanya kecewa dengan keadaannya, namun percayalah tidak ada laki-laki yang mau dan ingin membuat menderita maupun mengajak wanita yang dicintainya untuk hidup susah.
Ya itulah yang menjadikan alasan orang-orang bahkan orangtuaku sendiri tidak yakin dengan pilihanku. Kemapanan yang belum dimiliki oleh nya. Mereka yang meyakini bahwa sebuah kemapanan akan membuat hidup bahagia dan bahkan kemapanan adalah segalanya. Lain denganku yang berpandangan bahwa apalah arti sebuah kemapanan jika tidak bisa hidup dengan orang yang kita cintai. Bahkan kemapanan tidaklah dibawa ke dalam alam barzakh dan apa arti kemapanan jika anak-anak yang kita besarkan menjadi anak yang durhaka terhadap orang tuanya bahkan selalu merugikan orang lain.
Materi, materi dan materi tanpa melihat sesuatu yang lebih penting dari itu, seperti ketenangan hidup, kenyamanan beribadah dll.
Aku mengerti saat ini dia yang menjadi pilihanku belum memiliki sebuah kemapanan, apalah itu, yang menjadikan mereka tergiur bahkan mereka lupa akan rasanya sebuah kenyamanan. Tapi aku yakin, dia sedang berusaha untuk meraih apa itu yang namanya sebuah kemapanan, yang lagi-lagi orang pikirkan menjadi tujuan hidup berumah tangga, aku yakin Rey akan berkorban dan berusaha demi aku, demi sebuah kemapanan yang mampu merubah keyakinan orangtuaku, yang mungkin hanya syarat itu yang diajukan orang tuaku yang bisa merubah jalan pemikiran terhadap pilihanku.
Aku masih meyakini dan masih percaya bahwa kesucian cinta tak kenal apa itu status sosial dan apa itu fisik, jika cinta melihat sebuah sosial, mengapa Tuhan menciptakan orang kaya dan miskin. Jika cinta melihat fisik, untuk apa juga hati diciptakan. Inilah yang menjadikan banyak orang bahkan mengorbankan cintanya hanya dengan sebuah status sosial yang bisa hilang kapan saja.
Andai orang-orang di dunia ini tidak mengorbankan cintanya dengan status sosial, pasti kehidupan ini akan begitu damai, tidak ada yang namanya kekerasan, tidak ada yang namanya perceraian, tidak ada strata sosial miskin dan kaya, sepertinya tidak mungkin, hanya sedikit orang yang percaya akan hal itu dan terasa sangat berat dalam menghadapinya sendiri.
Sejak mendengar perkataan ibu, kini aku sedikit demi sedikit mulai menjauh dari si Rey, bukan karena tak cinta akan tetapi sedikit memahami perasaan ibuku, hal itu pun membuat Rey tersadar dan merasa tertantang untuk bangkit, menjadikan ini perjuangan dan pengorbanan yang sesungguhnya serta ingin membuktikan kepada orangtuaku bahwa dia pantas untukku dan bahwa dia juga bisa meraih sebuah kemapanan.
Aku tahu Rey berasal dari keluarga yang bisa dibilang tidak mampu. Keluarganya yang sederhana menjadikan dia memiliki jiwa pekerja keras. Sehingga itu semua bisa menjadikannya sebuah pejut semangat untuk menjadi orang yang berhasil. Dia yang sejak kecil sudah ditinggal ayahnya menjadikan dia tulang punggung keluarga menggantikan peran ayahnya serta menafkahi ibu dan adik-adiknya, itu terlihat sejak kecil dia sudah dilatih untuk bekerja keras dan dilatih untuk selalu bersyukur dan jangan mudah mengeluh.
Sepulang sekolah dia harus membantu ibunya jualan kue untuk memenuhi kebutuhan sehari-harinya, berjalan sambil menawarkan kue dagangannya, tidak seperti anak lainnya yang sepulang sekolah menghabiskan waktunya untuk bermain. Akan tetapi, dia tidak rendah diri ataupun minder dengan teman sebayanya, karakter seperti itulah yang membuatku suka dengannya.
“ Kuharap engkau selalu setia menungguku, mendoakanku agar aku bisa menjemputmu dengan kebahagiaan yang selama ini kita banggakan, yang selama ini kita impikan, bersatu dalam ikatan suci bernama Ijab Qabul”
“Selama Mentari bersinar, jantung masih berdetak, kaki mampu berjalan dan mata bisa melihat, aku akan selalu berusaha untukmu dan untuk kehidupan kita.”
Aku sangat berharap Rey berhasil membuktikan kepada orangtuaku, bahwa dia pantas untukku. Sekarang memang belum waktunya, tapi aku yakin dan besar harapanku suatu saat nanti pasti dia akan datang ke rumah dengan keadaan yang yang jauh lebih baik, aku selalu mendoakannya, menyebut namanya dalam doaku, bahkan sudah aku ukir indah di dasar hatiku namanya, nama yang indah, nama yang membuatku juga bersemangat untuk mengejar cita-citaku menjadi guru agar aku juga bisa mengabdi buat masyarakat, membahagiakan kedua orang tua tentunya.
Dalam meraih apa yang namanya sebuah cita-cita ataupun impian pastilah sebuah usaha dan doa menjadi senjata paling ampuh, meski rintangan yang kita lewati tidak semudah membalikkan telapak tangan, Tuhan sedang menguji seberapa besar perjuangan kita dan usaha kita untuk meraih sebuah kebahagiaan yang kita impikan bersama. Aku yakin semua akan indah pada waktunya, dan waktu itu pun akan tiba.
.
.
Oleh: M. Aan Setiawan
Universitas Pamulang
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