Lampu-lampu di gang Mattchan nampak samar-samar dalam gemerlap. Cuma di malam hari menjelang dua jam sebelum embun jatuh ke bumi, gang Mattchan seperti kota tak berpenghuni. Pada waktu itulah, Ia menyusuri dan berjalan seorang diri di gang itu. Kadang Ia tak percaya kehidupan itu ada. Kalau yang orang lain sebut kehidupan adalah dimana mereka bisa menikmati fasilitas Tuhan yang bernama oksigen untuk bernapas, sepertinya salah kaprah bahwa itu adalah hidup.
Di tengah-tengah Ia berjalan, pikirannya selalu liar. Sampai pada suatu waktu Ia berkesimpulan, “manusia itu cuma budak Tuhan,” ucapnya. Sengaja menciptakan manusia agar ada yang sudi menyembah-Nya dan memberi bom pujian kepada-Nya.
Tepat di samping tiang lampu, dihampiri angin malam yang membangkitkan bulu kuduk, sebuah pertanyaan menghentikan langkahnya, Ia berkata lirih pada dirinya sendiri, “mungkinkah Tuhan itu menderita dan kesepian ketika sendirian?”
Suara hewan malam di pohon Jati membuatnya sadar dari pikiran terkutuk itu dan meneruskan perjalanannya. Sebuah balai kecil tujuannya sudah memperlihatkan batang tiang betonnya. Tidak begitu mewah. Lagian mewah itu kan hanya sebuah istilah yang dibuat manusia. Sebuah balai hanya akan terasa mewah jika penghuninya tidak memikirkan kemewahan. Hanya tempat istirahat yang terasa aman dan nyaman.
Manusia selalu mengklaim dirinya hidup di atas bumi. Menjalani kehidupan yang sudah mereka definisikan. Namun baginya, kehidupan hanya terletak di balai mungil dimana Ia bisa istirahat dan bermimpi. Bukan. Bukan bermimpi. Tapi hidup yang sebenarnya. Setelah memasuki kehidupan yang sebenarnya itulah, kemudian tenggelam di dalamnya, semuanya tampak logic. Peristiwa-peristiwa di dalamnya, bentuk, suara, dimensi, warna, tak pernah semasuk akal ini.
Kemudian Ia bangun, “sialan..,” gumamnya. Kehidupan setelah bangun membuat apa yang sudah terjadi barusan adalah omong kosong. Tidak masuk akal. Ia cuma bilang, “yang tampak nyata di kehidupanku takkan pernah ada di kehidupan ini…”
Matahari sudah muncul di tengah langit. Ia melihat keluar, gang Mattchan sudah dibanjiri orang-orang berlalu lalang, entah mau ketemu keluarga, kerja, membeli sesuatu, menagih hutang, melakukan kejahatan bahkan mungkin bunuh diri karena muak dengan kehidupan palsu ini.
Dengan dipenuhi beban pikiran, Ia memaksakan dan membantai dirinya untuk melakukan tugasnya lagi. Lagi dan lagi. Ia bukan dirinya. Hanya menjadi peran yang diinginkan orang lain. Seperti yag mereka bilang, “untuk hidup.”
_Bersambung…..
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